More than anything, I HATE people!
I am feeling so down in the dumps and depressed right now. I just feel like I've totally had the rug pulled out from under me. I'm in shock. I honestly didn't think that people could be as mean as they really are.
I feel so alone.
Sorry about that last post, I had to delete it because it is too risky for me to have anything like that floating around online right now. I don't know what might happen soon.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Side effects of hormones?
I can't remember anything. I wanted to make a post and now I don't know what I was going to talk about.
I'll just leave some random tidbits then.
I just found out about Chateau Avalon, which is a themed romance getaway hotel concept place. So I checked out their page. You can view all the different suites. I think some of the themes are reaching a little bit and some of them are cool and some could use some more work. So I was curious how much it cost for something like that, I didn't find a price list but I went into the page to make reservations and picked a random date a long ways into the future (not my anniversary or anything...) to see what was offered. The prices range from $129 to like $400and something. I think it is kind of overpriced and I can't picture myself doing it anyway. I think I'd feel embarrassed and cheesy being in the 'Camelot' bed or the 'Serengeti' bathtub. And maybe I'm not looking at it right, but the tubs look like big bathtubs to me and strange to have a bathtub right next to the bed. Maybe if they wanted it to have more ambiance they could get some tubs that weren't white. Just doesn't look like a sexy jacuzzi to me.
I swear, I don't want to go there. At all. Even if they do put rose petals on your bed and give you champagne and chocolate strawberries.
(Husband if you read this, that's called sarcasm. Let's go sit in an un-sexy bathtub in a goofy hotel!)
What else?
I still haven't finished writing Robby's story and I am so close. I promised myself I would do it for today/yesterday because he's 3 months now, but I didn't even open it today. I'm a slacker.
He went to the doctor today, and surprisingly he only weighs 16lbs6.4oz. I know it is still a hefty baby, but that is about what he weighed when I weighed him a few weeks back. So I was expecting him to be more by now. I don't know why I'm complaining, I have to carry him around all the damn time. He is 25.5 inches long and his head circumference is 17 inches. Strikes me that he seems to be about the size of a 6 month old, but he is 'on the charts' at 95%. I am pretty much the kind of mom that doesn't get caught up in the size stuff, except when I first get the update.
Then I brag just a little, after all at this point, it's all between me and God. You know? It makes me so happy and proud to know that my baby grew so big and strong inside of me and that I'm able to continue nourishing him with my milk and my love for him to be such a large, healthy, happy boy. It's tangible proof that I'm doing something right.
Not that moms of babies who are small or have illnesses or disorders or who are fussy or high-needs are doing anything wrong. They're only doing something wrong if they bottle-feed.
I kid, I kid! I hope nobody reads that who doesn't know me and get it as humor. Lactivism is only going to work if we can promote the normalization of breastfeeding without insulting and alienating those who we are trying to convert.
But back from that tangent, I'm just happy to be carrying around such a noticeable and positive example that you can birth and feed a baby naturally, using only your own body, in the way that God made you to and it will work out perfect.
People (strangers) really don't believe me that he was not a c-section and that he doesn't "get anything to eat" (their words). Obviously he eats plenty of milk, even if it isn't "real milk" (their words again).
And the sad truth is that you won't often see another baby like mine because women aren't allowed to have trust in their bodies and so much of the American birth culture now is about having control over every unknown.
If I had been under monitoring from an OB or even a hospital midwife during the last 4-8 weeks of my pregnancy, I would have probably been scheduled for an induction because the baby was getting big.
After I went to 41 and then 42 weeks and beyond, I would definitely have been induced for being overdue.
In my 9 hours of labor, I would have probably been taken in for a c-section when the baby was not descending into my pelvis, had I been in a hospital.
That's if my c-section wasn't already scheduled for suspicion of big baby that wouldn't fit through my vagina.
If a doctor would have had a clue about me, he would have never been as big as he was, they don't "let" babies get that big.
If I somehow escaped all of these interventions and micromanagement, when I delivered an 11 pound baby in a hospital they would have taken him away immediately for blood sugar testing and insisted that he needed a bottle because such a big baby would be going hungry and I couldn't expect to feed him.
I am so grateful and happy that I stuck to my guns and didn't buy into the hype and fear that is swirling around mothers in our country. There was something about this pregnancy that I just knew I needed to do it on my terms the way I was created to.
Even in all the horror afterwards, I was aware that everything would be fine if we left well enough alone.
I love having this experience now so I can tell my own story and prove that I actually do know what I am talking about.
Sidenote-the doctor today said Robby has mastered all of the physical milestones for 4 months (only missing out on squealing) and that along with his size just has me joking again. Some babies are born prematurely and their parents know their real age from when they were actually born and then their adjusted age from their expected due date. I know that it is very serious and not a joking matter to have a preemie, but I keep thinking about how Robby could have a reverse adjusted age.
He's only been alive for 3 months, but he could easily have been born 4 months ago and be just as healthy and wonderful. I see moms with teeny-tiny little newborns and they are just carrying them around in public, it is so startling to me!
People are regularly birthing babies half the size of the baby I had! I have to check myself because I get wistful and sad that I never had that teeny newborn time and I do miss it. When Robby was that size, it was probably like January or something. I was months away from getting to see his face or hold him to my breast. I start to pine for another pregnancy...but what if next time I have an even bigger baby that stays in for even longer???
There's a downside to everything. I'm super proud of myself and of him for his size, but it's like I missed out on a whole phase of his development.
Ok, I'm just yammering on out because I need to get to bed so I'll quit now.
I'll just leave some random tidbits then.
I just found out about Chateau Avalon, which is a themed romance getaway hotel concept place. So I checked out their page. You can view all the different suites. I think some of the themes are reaching a little bit and some of them are cool and some could use some more work. So I was curious how much it cost for something like that, I didn't find a price list but I went into the page to make reservations and picked a random date a long ways into the future (not my anniversary or anything...) to see what was offered. The prices range from $129 to like $400and something. I think it is kind of overpriced and I can't picture myself doing it anyway. I think I'd feel embarrassed and cheesy being in the 'Camelot' bed or the 'Serengeti' bathtub. And maybe I'm not looking at it right, but the tubs look like big bathtubs to me and strange to have a bathtub right next to the bed. Maybe if they wanted it to have more ambiance they could get some tubs that weren't white. Just doesn't look like a sexy jacuzzi to me.
I swear, I don't want to go there. At all. Even if they do put rose petals on your bed and give you champagne and chocolate strawberries.
(Husband if you read this, that's called sarcasm. Let's go sit in an un-sexy bathtub in a goofy hotel!)
What else?
I still haven't finished writing Robby's story and I am so close. I promised myself I would do it for today/yesterday because he's 3 months now, but I didn't even open it today. I'm a slacker.
He went to the doctor today, and surprisingly he only weighs 16lbs6.4oz. I know it is still a hefty baby, but that is about what he weighed when I weighed him a few weeks back. So I was expecting him to be more by now. I don't know why I'm complaining, I have to carry him around all the damn time. He is 25.5 inches long and his head circumference is 17 inches. Strikes me that he seems to be about the size of a 6 month old, but he is 'on the charts' at 95%. I am pretty much the kind of mom that doesn't get caught up in the size stuff, except when I first get the update.
Then I brag just a little, after all at this point, it's all between me and God. You know? It makes me so happy and proud to know that my baby grew so big and strong inside of me and that I'm able to continue nourishing him with my milk and my love for him to be such a large, healthy, happy boy. It's tangible proof that I'm doing something right.
Not that moms of babies who are small or have illnesses or disorders or who are fussy or high-needs are doing anything wrong. They're only doing something wrong if they bottle-feed.
I kid, I kid! I hope nobody reads that who doesn't know me and get it as humor. Lactivism is only going to work if we can promote the normalization of breastfeeding without insulting and alienating those who we are trying to convert.
But back from that tangent, I'm just happy to be carrying around such a noticeable and positive example that you can birth and feed a baby naturally, using only your own body, in the way that God made you to and it will work out perfect.
People (strangers) really don't believe me that he was not a c-section and that he doesn't "get anything to eat" (their words). Obviously he eats plenty of milk, even if it isn't "real milk" (their words again).
And the sad truth is that you won't often see another baby like mine because women aren't allowed to have trust in their bodies and so much of the American birth culture now is about having control over every unknown.
If I had been under monitoring from an OB or even a hospital midwife during the last 4-8 weeks of my pregnancy, I would have probably been scheduled for an induction because the baby was getting big.
After I went to 41 and then 42 weeks and beyond, I would definitely have been induced for being overdue.
In my 9 hours of labor, I would have probably been taken in for a c-section when the baby was not descending into my pelvis, had I been in a hospital.
That's if my c-section wasn't already scheduled for suspicion of big baby that wouldn't fit through my vagina.
If a doctor would have had a clue about me, he would have never been as big as he was, they don't "let" babies get that big.
If I somehow escaped all of these interventions and micromanagement, when I delivered an 11 pound baby in a hospital they would have taken him away immediately for blood sugar testing and insisted that he needed a bottle because such a big baby would be going hungry and I couldn't expect to feed him.
I am so grateful and happy that I stuck to my guns and didn't buy into the hype and fear that is swirling around mothers in our country. There was something about this pregnancy that I just knew I needed to do it on my terms the way I was created to.
Even in all the horror afterwards, I was aware that everything would be fine if we left well enough alone.
I love having this experience now so I can tell my own story and prove that I actually do know what I am talking about.
Sidenote-the doctor today said Robby has mastered all of the physical milestones for 4 months (only missing out on squealing) and that along with his size just has me joking again. Some babies are born prematurely and their parents know their real age from when they were actually born and then their adjusted age from their expected due date. I know that it is very serious and not a joking matter to have a preemie, but I keep thinking about how Robby could have a reverse adjusted age.
He's only been alive for 3 months, but he could easily have been born 4 months ago and be just as healthy and wonderful. I see moms with teeny-tiny little newborns and they are just carrying them around in public, it is so startling to me!
People are regularly birthing babies half the size of the baby I had! I have to check myself because I get wistful and sad that I never had that teeny newborn time and I do miss it. When Robby was that size, it was probably like January or something. I was months away from getting to see his face or hold him to my breast. I start to pine for another pregnancy...but what if next time I have an even bigger baby that stays in for even longer???
There's a downside to everything. I'm super proud of myself and of him for his size, but it's like I missed out on a whole phase of his development.
Ok, I'm just yammering on out because I need to get to bed so I'll quit now.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
This kid cracks me up
So I'm sitting here doodling around online. We just got done eating breakfast and I had my vitamins sitting on the table next to me and I was just about to take them. Riley walks up and grabs one---
R: "Oooh, Mommy medicine! Let me see it!"
MomME: "Ok, don't taste it though, it tastes yucky."
R: [holds vitamin up to her nose and inhales deeply] "Mmm, very good. Good medicine! Mmm, me like it!"
Me: "That's a vitamin, can I have it back please!"
R: "Vitamin. Nice vitamin. Smells good. Very good Mommy!"
Actually no, they don't smell good at all, but I guess she thinks all kinds of weird stuff smells good now. A couple weeks ago she took off a pee diaper and held it up to her face and sniffed it and said, "Mmmm, nice pee-pee. Pee-pee smell very good." Freakin' weirdo my kid is.
Speaking of pee-pee, she is now actively demanding "PANees!!!" (panties) and slept a two hour nap wearing panties yesterday and woke up dry and made it to the toilet with success when she did wake up.
R: "Oooh, Mommy medicine! Let me see it!"
MomME: "Ok, don't taste it though, it tastes yucky."
R: [holds vitamin up to her nose and inhales deeply] "Mmm, very good. Good medicine! Mmm, me like it!"
Me: "That's a vitamin, can I have it back please!"
R: "Vitamin. Nice vitamin. Smells good. Very good Mommy!"
Actually no, they don't smell good at all, but I guess she thinks all kinds of weird stuff smells good now. A couple weeks ago she took off a pee diaper and held it up to her face and sniffed it and said, "Mmmm, nice pee-pee. Pee-pee smell very good." Freakin' weirdo my kid is.
Speaking of pee-pee, she is now actively demanding "PANees!!!" (panties) and slept a two hour nap wearing panties yesterday and woke up dry and made it to the toilet with success when she did wake up.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
So ''fwimmin'' is going to be a regular activity now
We were generously gifted a BIG pool for Riley over the weekend. It is one of those 12' x 36" easy set pools, the blue ones with the inflatable top ring.
Daddy set it up for her and today she and I went out and got some supplies and toys for it. Now I really need to get my act together so I can take pictures. I went to a photo supply and repair store today and all the guy could tell me was that the lens was jammed (no duh) and I should call the manufacturer. This is not looking good. Sounds like we'll probably be new camera shopping yet again.
So since I don't have any new pictures of my own, here's a couple more from my sister:
Daddy set it up for her and today she and I went out and got some supplies and toys for it. Now I really need to get my act together so I can take pictures. I went to a photo supply and repair store today and all the guy could tell me was that the lens was jammed (no duh) and I should call the manufacturer. This is not looking good. Sounds like we'll probably be new camera shopping yet again.
So since I don't have any new pictures of my own, here's a couple more from my sister:
Friday, June 15, 2007
bum-bum-bum: no more pictures
Yep. Riley has destroyed yet another digital camera. The first one I got in 12/04 before she was born and it lasted until 9/05 when she threw it on the floor. I didn't get a new one until Black Friday (day after Thanksgiving) which means I have no pictures of her first Halloween with her special bunny costume that I made just for her. So the second camera lasted from after Thanksgiving 2005 until today.
I have no idea what she did with it. I'm guessing it was turned on with the lens extended on the front and she pushed and jammed it back in by pushing on it. It is sticking out just a little bit and when I power the camera on and off, nothing happens. It doesn't move and nothing shows on the view screen except for the Canon logo and after 15 seconds it goes beep-beep-beep-beep and shuts itself off. Can't go into review mode and view the saved pictures on the screen either. I don't know if it will load them into the computer or not, because before it was broken it was already not uploading today and I think something was wrong with the USB connection because my computer wasn't recognizing that the camera was plugged in.
I'm going to try to take it to a camera store and see if it can be fixed. To people that are really into cameras it isn't much and they'll probably just tell me to replace it. It is only 4.0 megapixels and 1.5 years old but it is all I got. I paid $200 for it and I hate the idea of just forgetting about it.
And now that I've gone through two I'm a little hesitant to keep getting more. They aren't supposed to be disposable. But I'm all about pictures and I want to be able to take good pictures of my babies for them to look at when they are older.
I don't know what I'm going to do, we really can't afford to get another one. I'm still trying to sell the stupid old Jeep but if there's any spare cash from that I'd like to use it to pay up on hospital bills from when we were in there.
Oh yeah, those pictures in that last post are from using my sister's camera and I do have a bunch more cute ones from today that I got from her that I will post up in the real morning.
I have no idea what she did with it. I'm guessing it was turned on with the lens extended on the front and she pushed and jammed it back in by pushing on it. It is sticking out just a little bit and when I power the camera on and off, nothing happens. It doesn't move and nothing shows on the view screen except for the Canon logo and after 15 seconds it goes beep-beep-beep-beep and shuts itself off. Can't go into review mode and view the saved pictures on the screen either. I don't know if it will load them into the computer or not, because before it was broken it was already not uploading today and I think something was wrong with the USB connection because my computer wasn't recognizing that the camera was plugged in.
I'm going to try to take it to a camera store and see if it can be fixed. To people that are really into cameras it isn't much and they'll probably just tell me to replace it. It is only 4.0 megapixels and 1.5 years old but it is all I got. I paid $200 for it and I hate the idea of just forgetting about it.
And now that I've gone through two I'm a little hesitant to keep getting more. They aren't supposed to be disposable. But I'm all about pictures and I want to be able to take good pictures of my babies for them to look at when they are older.
I don't know what I'm going to do, we really can't afford to get another one. I'm still trying to sell the stupid old Jeep but if there's any spare cash from that I'd like to use it to pay up on hospital bills from when we were in there.
Oh yeah, those pictures in that last post are from using my sister's camera and I do have a bunch more cute ones from today that I got from her that I will post up in the real morning.
Poor little Riley
We went swimming today and Riley had a bad little accident. I'm surprised she didn't do something worse that would have needed stitches. I'm surprised she hasn't ever needed stitches yet at her age and with her fearlessness.
So here is the lovely fountain and pretty design crap at the end of the pool. I don't really know what the point of those 4 big cubes are, I guess a little faux stepping stone bridge where it really isn't necessary. See how they are actually individual blocks of concrete and not connected??
Here's a picture up close of the last stepping stone block thing and the wall of the pool, with my shoes for an example of the scale.
AND here is Riley's leg after she slid and her leg got wedged down in that space between the side wall of the pool and the big concrete post stepping stone thingamadoohicky.
And here is a shot of her chin after she bumped it on the side
So I figure it is my fault for not keeping up with her enough and so she was able to get on there and fall. I don't think anyone is really supposed to be walking over there it is just a decorative feature.
My mom thinks I should have gone and complained to the management (this is an apartment pool) and told them they need to change that because it isn't safe and any kid could fall and get stuck in there.
I don't know, what do you think?
Also, I was finally going to go and get the kids' studio pictures taken this weekend and of course she ends up with a bloody face scab.
So here is the lovely fountain and pretty design crap at the end of the pool. I don't really know what the point of those 4 big cubes are, I guess a little faux stepping stone bridge where it really isn't necessary. See how they are actually individual blocks of concrete and not connected??
Here's a picture up close of the last stepping stone block thing and the wall of the pool, with my shoes for an example of the scale.
AND here is Riley's leg after she slid and her leg got wedged down in that space between the side wall of the pool and the big concrete post stepping stone thingamadoohicky.
And here is a shot of her chin after she bumped it on the side
So I figure it is my fault for not keeping up with her enough and so she was able to get on there and fall. I don't think anyone is really supposed to be walking over there it is just a decorative feature.
My mom thinks I should have gone and complained to the management (this is an apartment pool) and told them they need to change that because it isn't safe and any kid could fall and get stuck in there.
I don't know, what do you think?
Also, I was finally going to go and get the kids' studio pictures taken this weekend and of course she ends up with a bloody face scab.
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
New stuff
I finally added in some links and stuff on my page. I also changed all the colors and stuff around. I can't seem to ever settle on a style or colorscheme, but I guess that could be confusing to people if I keep shuffling it around. Maybe some time I'll sit down and really put some effort into making one I'll be happy with for a long time. It isn't like I want to do anything complicated, I like simple pages.
I also added in this google video bar thing at the bottom that I guess is supposed to circulate links to video clips based on search terms I provide. I entered in breastfeeding and homebirth as the keywords. We'll see how that works out.
I went and saw the new movie 'Knocked Up' tonight. Eh, it definitely had funny moments but there was also some stuff that I was like WTF? I'd watch it again though. Little R did fine the whole time I was there and that makes me feel good about going to more movies. So I will NOT be missing out on Harry Potter!!
I also added in this google video bar thing at the bottom that I guess is supposed to circulate links to video clips based on search terms I provide. I entered in breastfeeding and homebirth as the keywords. We'll see how that works out.
I went and saw the new movie 'Knocked Up' tonight. Eh, it definitely had funny moments but there was also some stuff that I was like WTF? I'd watch it again though. Little R did fine the whole time I was there and that makes me feel good about going to more movies. So I will NOT be missing out on Harry Potter!!
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Talk talk talk talkity talk talk
I'm not a talky talk person, but I am always getting cornered by people that want to "discuss their feelings" or want me to confide in them or tell them what I'm thinking.
Here's what I'm thinking freaks: get away from me! I don't want to get all in-depth and personal with you. I don't put any stock in talky talk talk, I don't want to hear about what you're going to do or how serious you are about it. I'll believe it when I see it. And I don't want to nitpick over all your emotional fluctuations of the past either. GET OVER IT!
All this talkity talk, and they're hypocrites anyway. All of them will swear up one side down the other that they're going to change their ways, and it never sticks.
It's auditory assault is what it is.
I don't want to listen to a pack of idiots who don't listen to me either. When it comes to this duo of biological buttweasels, I've got simple instructions.
To Brother #1: LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE!!! Don't touch 'em, don't talk to 'em, don't "discipline" them, butt out! If you try to mess with my kids, I WILL fuck you up and that's a guarantee. Try it again and see if you think I'm just talking. I'm not you, I'll back up my words.
To Brother #2: You could try on a different hat for size occasionally and leave the asshole attitude behind. I'm not mind-reader so I don't know what you're thinking but I'm not all bad. I'm not even all that bad. We used to have some good times, we used to be great friends and you used to treat me with respect. You acted like you liked me. Just considering the way you talk to me know, I'm making a guess that you feel like it isn't even worth the waste of your time to be dealing with me. Make up your mind. Either play nice or let's just call it over and quit making both of ourselves so miserable.
Here's what I'm thinking freaks: get away from me! I don't want to get all in-depth and personal with you. I don't put any stock in talky talk talk, I don't want to hear about what you're going to do or how serious you are about it. I'll believe it when I see it. And I don't want to nitpick over all your emotional fluctuations of the past either. GET OVER IT!
All this talkity talk, and they're hypocrites anyway. All of them will swear up one side down the other that they're going to change their ways, and it never sticks.
It's auditory assault is what it is.
I don't want to listen to a pack of idiots who don't listen to me either. When it comes to this duo of biological buttweasels, I've got simple instructions.
To Brother #1: LEAVE MY KIDS ALONE!!! Don't touch 'em, don't talk to 'em, don't "discipline" them, butt out! If you try to mess with my kids, I WILL fuck you up and that's a guarantee. Try it again and see if you think I'm just talking. I'm not you, I'll back up my words.
To Brother #2: You could try on a different hat for size occasionally and leave the asshole attitude behind. I'm not mind-reader so I don't know what you're thinking but I'm not all bad. I'm not even all that bad. We used to have some good times, we used to be great friends and you used to treat me with respect. You acted like you liked me. Just considering the way you talk to me know, I'm making a guess that you feel like it isn't even worth the waste of your time to be dealing with me. Make up your mind. Either play nice or let's just call it over and quit making both of ourselves so miserable.
Monday, June 4, 2007
U-whaaaat???
So Riley's favorite show is The Backyardigans. Ok, we don't have cable so she hasn't really seen any kid shows that we haven't specifically shown her but she really loves the Backyardigans DVDs that we give her.
Today I was talking to her about the characters, whose names are: Tasha, Tyrone, Austin, Pablo, and Uniqua.
I say, "Tasha"
Riley says, "TASHA!" (her favorite)
I say, "Tyrone"
Riley says, "Tywoon"
I say, "Austin"
Riley says, "Oppositin"
I say, "Pablo"
Riley says, "Paahhlo"
I say, "Uniqua"
Riley says.............."U-nigga"
No joke, that's exactly what it sounded like. So I asked her again, "Riley say 'Uniqua' please"
She says, "Nikga!"
"No, honey that doesn't sound like her name. Say Uniqua."
Riley says, "Unigga"
So I laughed until I had tears coming out of my eyes and then called my mom and had her tell my mom.
I know, I'm a bad bad parent.
She can say it without busting out the racial slurs now but it was shockingly hilarious while it lasted.
Here's a swimming picture from Friday.
Today I was talking to her about the characters, whose names are: Tasha, Tyrone, Austin, Pablo, and Uniqua.
I say, "Tasha"
Riley says, "TASHA!" (her favorite)
I say, "Tyrone"
Riley says, "Tywoon"
I say, "Austin"
Riley says, "Oppositin"
I say, "Pablo"
Riley says, "Paahhlo"
I say, "Uniqua"
Riley says.............."U-nigga"
No joke, that's exactly what it sounded like. So I asked her again, "Riley say 'Uniqua' please"
She says, "Nikga!"
"No, honey that doesn't sound like her name. Say Uniqua."
Riley says, "Unigga"
So I laughed until I had tears coming out of my eyes and then called my mom and had her tell my mom.
I know, I'm a bad bad parent.
She can say it without busting out the racial slurs now but it was shockingly hilarious while it lasted.
Here's a swimming picture from Friday.
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